Well… Here we go. I’ve come to this point to find something deeper. Something more meaningful than working a job I can’t stand for money I never seem to have. I’ve spent 26 years pushing towards the good old American dream. Where’s that got me? Not far, not far at all. Now don’t go thinking I’m some spoiled white kid living a pretty cushy middle class life and whining about my freedoms. That would be the farthest from the truth. From my truth.
This started with me stumbling onto an article about “living authentically”. Well I’m me. I obviously know who I am… Or so I thought. As I read more about finding who you are and what you actually stand for, not living to be what society thinks you should be, I realized how lost I really am. I decided to remove myself from distractions. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and even Snapchat were deleted from my phone. 30 days minimum. I had so much time all of a sudden. I wasn’t worried about Joe Blow from high school who got charged with driving impaired or Jane Doe who I met 5 years ago one night who had a party last Friday. I was free to do yoga in my living room. Actually have the house cleaned. I made banana bread!
I started to focus on my career more, but with that unclouded focus I realized that I wasn’t actually fulfilled. Sure I’m compensated with money, but is that it? What do I get in return? What am I offering back to the world? Am I living to my full potential? Do I want people to remember me as the cynical girl who earned a good living but was a miserable bitch? No.
What do I love? Where do I go when I want to, not need to? I couldn’t focus any longer on this feeling of being lost. I sat and I wrote a poem and I sent it to my mom. I pulled out an old journal and read some entries. I write. I realized that when my pen touches the page this incredible feeling of being whole washes through me. I feel love. On paper I can create a feeling. I can bring someone to tears laughing, or in striking a nerve I can bring goosebumps to the surface of someone’s skin. I can forget about the troubles of the world or I can choose for hone in on them to make a point. My words, about whatever I choose to write or speak about, are my passion. Welcome to my world!